Pride and Prejudice and Rainbows
by Kagurazaka
Summary: Kallen gets abused. Lelouch gets abused. Tamaki gets abused big time. C.C. abuses and molests. LelouchxC.C.xKallenxTamaki as never seen before. Crackfic.


**Pride and Prejudice and Rainbows**

Disclaimer: I don't own CG, I don't own Pride and Prejudice and heck, I've never even touched that damn thing. Except the zombie one.

Crackfic. Definitely crackfic. Innuendos and downright vulgarity ahoy!

---

"Women don't like me," C.C. said in her monotonous tone, propping herself on the cushion and staring at her reflection on the mirror.

"And." The boy sitting on the chair across the room says. Not even a question – a mere uninterested grunt, more like it.

C.C. sighed and rolled over to her back so that she would face the ceiling. "I wonder why."

"Oh."

Again, that monosyllabic response. If C.C. was not so preoccupied about her newest mystery in the universe, she would have chucked Cheese-kun at Lelouch, or immediately rush down (though she would never rush. She would simply walk calmly down the stairs while plotting everything with precise calculation and the unerring elegance of an immortal) and proceed to tell (lie to) Nunally about their imaginary 'nightly' activities out of spite. Alas.

She threw one of Cheese-kun's kids at him regardless.

But suddenly Lelouch swivelled his chair to the right and ducked the incoming yellow projectile, sneering. "Heh."

C.C. can only stare at him – eyes subtly widened and pizza dangling from her mouth. Though the latter has no relevance because having pizza dangling seductively off her mouth was a mere habit, after all. "Well," she swallowed the pizza, sitting up, "it seems that Zero has finally acquired acceptable reflexes."

He merely stared at her, still with that smug sneer. It's not like he beat her in chess or anything, that arrogant boy. He'd pay.

"Tell me: is that the result of your 'nightly'," she relinquished her grip on Cheese-kun to make two squiggly marks where appropriate, "activities with that knightmare pilot?"

Boy did she like the word 'nightly activities'. They had a nice ring to them, she decided. She smirked in satisfaction when Lelouch turned somewhat red (like a tomato that is barely ripe. Not that he was green to start with; perhaps in that field) and almost, _almost_ sputtered in surprise.

"YOU!" He glared at her, then almost as an afterthought, threw Cheese-kun's heir back at her. She ducked with relative ease and continued chewing on a particularly cheesy part of the pizza. She wouldn't mind living a little longer, if it meant more chicken BBQ pizza and the annoyance of Lelouch. And of course, something else...

She stared at him.

He glared at her.

She stared back.

... And reached over towards the bed-side desk, grabbed the remote control and switched the TV on. A pizza advertisement with dancing Cheese-kuns. Great timing.

Ignoring the awful screeching of the childish music, Lelouch stood up and walked over to block the TV screen. "So," he folded his arms, "_you're_ the one spreading those rumours."

Looking up, she quirked an eyebrow innocently. "Oh?"

"Don't play dumb."

"Hm."

"Those..." he hesitated, and if he were someone else rather than the mighty Zero and the genius with a rather severe case of god-complex (level 4: incurable), he would have fidgeted. But he did not, and continued smoothly. "Rumours about Kallen and I."

"Oh."

"What '_Oh'_?"

"That rumour about you doing both of us at the same time."

"E-"

"It was Tamaki."

"...That-!"

She rose and started walking towards him in a languid and somehow utterly seductive manner. "Besides, I wouldn't do that." She halted at a respectable distance. And when Lelouch had thought that she had started to respect his personal space, she stepped forward and cupped both of his cheeks. She brought her face dangerously close.

He was getting used to her playful seduction, and decided that staying still would be best. "Oi, C.C..."

"I'm not into threesomes, and..." Her face was getting closer. So close that their lips could touch. "I wouldn't want to share-"

Closer still.

Lelouch could feel the warmth radiating onto his face, the warmth of her arms, her breath, her body heat - felt his hormones react. He stood frozen, knowing all too well that any sudden movement would only agitate her further. Yes, similar to a bear.

She inched closer, and he felt her soft lips brushing onto his own.

"...One of you."

He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she said, "Kallen." And withdrew.

"_Kallen._" He repeated.

"What?" Her voice rose into a lilting tease, "did you think it would be you?"

Having had a few seconds to suppress his scrambled mind, Lelouch returned back to his composed bearing and replied coolly, "one would think that way, considering how much..." he loathed to speak the next part, as he would normally not stoop to use such vulgar words – but it was a necessity with that damn witch. "In heat you seemed to be."

As soon as the witch opened her mouth, Lelouch knew it had backfired.

"So says the boy who moaned my name while sweating and tossing in his sleep."

He slept in Nunally's room that night. And the night after. And so on.

C.C. had successfully claimed her rightful bed without so much as a bloodshed.

---

Lelouch had dismissed the event as one of the witch's jokes, but soon found how wrong he was when Kallen had suddenly barged in wide-eyed and out of breath.

"Lelouch!"

A gasping Kallen could only mean one thing: trouble. Immediately standing up, Lelouch quickly strode over towards his doubled-over pilot and gripped her shoulders. "What's the matter? Is it an attack? Wait here, let me get Ou-"

"No-" Kallen gasped, regained her breath, then straightened up. "No. It's- It's..."

"What is it? Talk sense!" To be able to render his ace pilot speechless - what a formidable foe! Lelouch had already drafted every single scenario in his mind. What is it? An attack from Britannia? Schneizel? Damn it- with most of his knightmare pilots still recovering from the injuries of the previous battle, there's very little chance they could withstand another attack. Yes, Ougi must be informed of an immediate retre

"It's that _pizza woman!_"

at.

..."_What?_"

"C.C! The cold blooded witch! The pizza monster! The green haired yellow blob obsessed maniac! The PERVERT!" Having let out a barrage of insults towards the absent third party with a breathless gush, Kallen immediately manoeuvred past Lelouch and plopped down on Lelouch-slash-Zero's sofa, crossing her legs and arms. "I will not. Move from here until you get her sorted out."

"C.C? I don't understand. Explain."

"_Ask her._"

"Kallen..."

Arms still crossed, she fixed her stare at the wall next to Lelouch.

Lelouch stared at her with the eyeless glare of Zero's mask.

Kallen glared at a discarded Cheese-kun.

Lelouch continued his stare.

If Tamaki wasn't causing a ruckus with his beer-mates on the room next door, it is very probable that the sound effect of Zero's stare could be heard. But alas, Tamaki was singing a blasphemed version of Britannia's national anthem, and so you cannot hear the swinging of light sabres. Lelouch decided that they needed to sound proof his room. Or demote Tamaki into a janitor.

"Oh FINE." She finally said, losing the one sided stare contest. "It's just that..."

Was it only his imagination, or did she just blush?

"Well..." She started mumbling.

"What?"

Tamaki began mutilating Beethoven on a keyboard with a punk beat.

"She..." Pause. Then. "_THAT WITCH MOLESTED ME!"_

It was a decidedly rare occurrence that Lelouch - Zero, the Mighty Leader of the Black Knights, Straight A Student, Brilliant Strategist – would be rendered speechless. But yet there he was, standing there mute, unable to comprehend. Along with his temporary brain halt, it seemed that the sound from next door had halted, too.

Silence reigned for a few moment; then suddenly:

"_**C.C. IS SLEEPING WITH KALLEN!"**_

**Cont.**

_Teaser:_

"_Which part of molested," Kallen clenched her fists, "spells fuck buddies?"_

"_Marianne was good in bed. Charles, not so. Sometimes I wonder why she would even date him."_


End file.
